We are in the process of adopting Katherine, a beautiful and amazing 9 y/o 4th of July fireworks display. The first time I officially met her, she asked if she could take pictures with my cell phone of her art work (we were at our elementary school art show). I told her she could take three pictures. I knew she was in foster care and needing to transition into a permanent placement, and John and I had already decided to adopt her when CFS determined she was ready to be adopted*. We new of her reputation for having challenging behaviors (severe ADHD, PTSD, oppositional/defiant disorder, attachment issues, and emotion regulation difficulties).We figured we'd already dealt with host of similar challenges with Erlan so we felt like we were prepared/could handle whatever she could dish out. So, back to the cell phone and my first taste of Katherine chaos... after she took her three pictures I told her it was time to give my cell phone back. Foolish me, 20 some pictures, a few movies, and several laps around the school later, I finally had to grab her and wrestle the cell phone from her death grip. I've since learned that she is obsessed with cell phones and in a few years it will be powerful leverage for everything. Leverage is a valuable commodity in terms of parenting Katherine.
The first time Katherine came to our house, her foster family drove her out to our place, kept their truck engine running out on the road, and practically ran back to their car saying "may the force be with you". We had decided that for her first visit we would just hang out at home and let her "work" the llamas which she was excited to do, being the animal lover that she is. She had been with her foster family for nearly two years and they managed a cattle ranch, had horses (horses trump cell phones so we figured the llamas' appeal might be short lived), chickens, goats, and an 11 year old boy who tormented Katherine daily.** Katherine has a lot of anxiety and it manifests itself in a need to control absolutely everything. All the time.
The afternoon went along smoothly, but by dinner time she hit the wall and exploded. She started darting around grabbing anything that looked like something she probably shouldn't touch, she was impossible to engage or redirect so we got dinner on the table as quickly as possible. She grabbed at the food with her hands and shoved it in her mouth. She poured salt and pepper in her milk. She grabbed food off our plates. It was like having the Tasmanian Devil at the dinner table. As soon as we finished eating we loaded up and headed out. Neither John nor I felt like we could handle Katherine alone for the car ride back to her foster family's, and we didn't want to leave Erlan alone, so we all piled in--John and Erlan in the front seat and Katherine and I in the back.
The 45 minute drive was beyond remarkable. Katherine disengaged herself from her seat belt numerous times and I had to threaten to sit on her if I had to, to keep her safe in her seat. She grabbed at every loose item in the vehicle and sat on it so we couldn't get it back. She swore, she told a bazillion lies, she flipped us all off, and she talked non-stop. When we got to her foster family's house and her foster mom came out, Katherine's behavior changed noticeably. She quieted down, she followed Robin's instructions, and she walked back to the house like a normal kid. When Robin asked how things went, I told her mostly very well and that we'd talk later. We drove away in total silence, our eyes as wide a saucers. After about 10 minutes, Erlan turned to look at me in the back seat and using Dr Evil air quotations, said "MADNESS". We all laughed hysterically (and I do mean hysterically) and wondered just what the fuck we were getting ourselves into.
More than 6 months later and about a month to go until we can legally adopt Katherine, she is still the "madness" in our lives, and she is our joy and wonderment. She argues constantly, she still lies for the heck of it***, cheats whenever she can get away with it, and every now and then, she flips one of us off. Her table manners have improved considerably, she loves Erlan and is a fiercely loyal sister, she is always eager to help (especially if it means avoiding her own responsibilities), and most of the professionals who have been working with her for years remark on how much calmer she is in general since coming to live with us. Every single moment I am with her I am challenged to growth and patience. And while it is exhausting, I am hugely honored to be Katherine's mother.
*K was in a therapeutic foster care placement and the professionals weren't sure she was ready to "step down" into regular foster care/concurrent foster adopt placement. I thought is was an odd concept, not ready for a permanent family, but ready for life long foster care?
**K had a very volatile relationship with her former foster brother and Katherine was pegged as the troubled trouble maker. When I realized he was the same kid who called Erlan a retard a few years ago, I knew he was the problem, not Katherine.
***K used to tell lies constantly. Of course she would lie to keep from getting in trouble, but she'd also just make shit up, and when I'd call her on it she would have the gall to argue her veracity. I would tell her that I would call so-and-so and ask about her story and then she would come clean by saying "OK, I take it back". She really doesn't do it much anymore, but I use to call her Princess Full of Poo whenever she would make up something obviously untrue. Now she just embellishes like any good story teller.
Posted by: |